I was abroad in Israel for most of August and am only just now settling into my first real week of school. I've been jonesing to post this release for some time-- certainly one of the most crucial records to ever come out of Bainbridge Island, Washington, along with the Rickets' back catalog and perhaps the Humanoids' sole demo. Yes, this is the mighty MLB/Pantophobics split CD entitled
Rock 'n' Roll Will Never Diet Soda.
At the time of release I was twelve years old and knew approximately nothing about music; instead of investigating the local scene, I was content to listen to mainstream rock radio, where crap like Korn were all the rage. I first heard about the Pantophobics from Justin Morgan, their drummer, who was an upperclassman at my middle school/high school. One hell of a funny guy, and one hell of a drummer; his bandmates Zach Lewis (guitar/vocals and also bass with MLB) and Ed Morales (bass/oi oi ois) were no slouches in performing the band's lackadaisacal indie rock, but even on the split's shoestring recording quality one thing is remarkably clear: Justin is fuckin'
slamming the skins.
MLB were Maurice's Little Bastards. I first heard them when Justin popped their debut CD Greatest Hits into the computer next to mine in the school library one afternoon and told me that "you haven't heard punk until you've heard these guys." Seeing as how, at that point, my closest experience to punk was Green Day, he was right on. They open this album with what sounds like both bands emulating idle crowd chatter, puncuated by singer Justin Maurer intoning, "Welcome to Winslow, Baaaaainbridge Islannnd." From there, it's nine songs of off-the-wall lo-fi hardcore punk that sounds a whole lot like the Germs only with thumpy cardboard drums and lyrics about "[finding] a safe haven from my teenage anguish and hormonal induced deception" ("Ridin' On Out") and "endless proliferation of selfish materialism" ("Neon Brigade"). I really wish I'd been able to stay long enough at the Teen Center to see them play one spring Friday night, but my parents insisted on picking me up for dinner....MLB were known for their wild live set, and for Justin getting naked mid-song and remaining so for the duration of the set. Shucks...
Meanwhile, I did get to see a set by the mediocre Criminy and the totally awesome Pantophobics. They played a bunch of tunes from the split and their first song ever, a cover of Weezer's "The Sweater Song." For my first show ever, it was pretty awesome and so is their set of songs on the CD. The tunes are solid for what they are, but Justin's aforementioned powerhouse drumming really breathes life into everything. Zach's drawl has its own sort of catchiness, I suppose.
This album is quite clearly a work of friends having a blast together in the crummy studios they cut the songs in–– the bands' musical styles are quite disparate, to say the least. But this is one of those records that, for the better, sounds a lot like high school. Enjoy.
Maurice's Little Bastards/The Pantophobics- Rock 'n' Roll Will Never Diet SodaWhere are they now?Justin Morgan is a bigtime cyclist and did some European circuits or something. He worked at the local bakery for a time. I thin he also might be in community college or the U of Washington now.
Zach Lewis went to college, if I recall correctly, after all the dudes graduated in 2002. His younger stepsister Leah was in Bainbridge punk band
Bad Otis (featuring future
Kalakala,
Degania, and
Helen Killers members), who named themselves after a Pantophobics song of the same name from this very record.
Ed Morales I have no idea about, and that's sort of fitting.
Justin Maurer moved to Portland and formed the
Clorox Girls. After roughly ten million rhythym section changes, he's moved the band to London. I had the great pleasure of meeting him at a birthday show the band played on Bainbridge in July 2006. As everyone had said prior, he was about the nicest person ever and gave me an old 7" MLB recorded with their buddies the Shutups.
Sean "the" Roach, who drummed for MLB for a time and on this album, now lives in England as well and plays in
Mayday Lewis.
I don't know anything about the MLB guitarist at the time,
"Dequine" Fletcher.
were of the same generation as the aforementione Maurice's Little Bastards and Pantophobics. But while MLB were bursting at the seams with unstable lineups and Justin Maurer's endless energy and the Pantophobics were just goofing around, the Humanoids were a seemingly rambunctious lot (and at seperate points actually featured MLB's Sean Roach and Maurer on the drum throne). According to their way-outdated Angelfire site, singer Jakes was evidently known for self-mutilation when they played live, took a hatchet to an old bandmates' family's antique furniture, and was accosed of stealing from another ex-bandmates' brother. It was disappointing to hear that bassist Bradd was into some white power/NS digs at one point-- even reading Varg Vikernes' Vargsmal and taking a lot of influence from it.
But I digress-- the Humanoids were no racist band, and their Blood and Guts Demo is four slabs of complete and total lo-fi Misfits worship, complete with the off-key drawl of Jakes' singing. "Burn in Hell" tells of the narrator's stokage to...burn in hell, while "Line'em Up" preaches the death squad-style execution of everyone from "Baggy pants potheads [and] wanker wiggers" to "politicians with their pants at their feet." You can pretty much guess what "World War 3" is about, and "Slasher" details the life of a serial killer. All in all, hardly groundbreaking material, but a fun listen for anyone into horror punk.
